No one should assume they know what's going on.

For the last five years or so, I've been dealing with what could be described (diagnosed) as something along the lines of a Dissociative Personality Disorder, with varying degrees of severity depending on the time of day, the environment, and the goings on. These last few months have been severe, disconnected, unclear, indescribable, debilitating. I've frequently been on the verge of reverting to old behavior (that of agoraphobia from over 5 years ago). I forget that I exist (because I don't think it's a fact). Something is unplugged.

And how the fuck could I ever expect to connect with another fucking human being,
when I can't even fucking connect with my own damn self?

That's why I did it. That's why I don't belong in a relationship. I have to find myself before I can start exploring other people. Sure, you can try using other people as mirrors - but if the only light I give off is that little spark, how the hell am I supposed to see anything reflected back at me?

I have a spark in me right now, and I'm going to fucking kindle it, nurture it and see if I can turn myself (ego) into something more tangible. Only the unAffected can assist. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE. THIS HAS TO DO WITH THE EVER-FICTITIOUS TIME AND SPACE THAT I DREAD.

I juss needa find myseff, y'know son?

THIS IS NOT ABOUT BOYS OR GAY DRAMA OR INFIDELITY OR SEX OR GEESE

THIS IS ABOUT ME, BASTARDS! THIS IS FUCKING ABOUT ME!

Don't you dare flatter me by reducing this to typical human behavior. I wish.

On the bright side, I love everyone.

P.S. It is officially spring as of 1:26 pm today. In the balance I asked for Clarity.
ANATOLE DYSIS ARKTOS MESEMBRIA